Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Saturday, January 07, 2006

On the evolution of my brain and drink

My brain has evolved over millions of years from that of the reptile. Alcohol disables my brain in reverse chronological order: First I regress in age. I become an overconfident pervert of a teenager: vandalizing with magic marker(rebellious!), throwing nihilist fits (artistic!), suppressing the urge the follow women up stairs (sexy!). I think of investing in binoculars, of the texture of women in tight pants, of how to use mathematics to get laid (other than by making and counting money).

A few drinks later, I become a child. I laugh at farts and pout when people frown, and everything is new. I hit. I find it only slightly odd when my friend, ostensibly a straight male, wears nothing but a T-shirt and Spandex shorts in public. Sometimes I just want to go to my room and play both sides of a football game with my collection of rubber frogs and lizards.

In kicks the Jager-bomb, and I become a toddler. I do not understand what is going on around me. I know how to walk, and I damn sure don't need anybody's help. I know touching the pee-pee is not appropriate, but does touching the stove hurt?

When my brain is disabled beyond the time of my birth I enter the primate stage of evolution. In technical terms, toxins render useless vast areas of my cerebral cortex. In practical terms, I eat food with my hands. If I have been hanging out with sophisticated people that day, I may use a stick to dig treats out of a hole. These treats may be ketchup and mustard, but are often just foul-smelling underpants lint. Using a toilet becomes unnecessary and disagreeable. Indeed, it becomes a pleasure to pee outdoors or in corners or (especially) in outdoor corners. I throw verbal feces. I would make monkey love if I could monkey-up a good mating dance. Shows like "The Grind" were supposed to teach me that.

When the primate is disabled, I regress to the brain state of the reptile. The medulla oblogata and the brain stem are the only things left. I snap when I feel threatened and may stare into my refrigerator waiting for those extra large eggs to hatch in order to eat my young (mmm...tastes a bit like me). Sex and survival become one, and I usually go extinct.


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