On the evolution of my brain and drink
My brain has evolved over millions of years from that of the reptile. Alcohol disables my brain in reverse chronological order: First I regress in age. I become an overconfident pervert of a teenager: vandalizing with magic marker(rebellious!), throwing nihilist fits (artistic!), suppressing the urge the follow women up stairs (sexy!). I think of investing in binoculars, of the texture of women in tight pants, of how to use mathematics to get laid (other than by making and counting money).
A few drinks later, I become a child. I laugh at farts and pout when people frown, and everything is new. I hit. I find it only slightly odd when my friend, ostensibly a straight male, wears nothing but a T-shirt and Spandex shorts in public. Sometimes I just want to go to my room and play both sides of a football game with my collection of rubber frogs and lizards.
In kicks the Jager-bomb, and I become a toddler. I do not understand what is going on around me. I know how to walk, and I damn sure don't need anybody's help. I know touching the pee-pee is not appropriate, but does touching the stove hurt?
When my brain is disabled beyond the time of my birth I enter the primate stage of evolution. In technical terms, toxins render useless vast areas of my cerebral cortex. In practical terms, I eat food with my hands. If I have been hanging out with sophisticated people that day, I may use a stick to dig treats out of a hole. These treats may be ketchup and mustard, but are often just foul-smelling underpants lint. Using a toilet becomes unnecessary and disagreeable. Indeed, it becomes a pleasure to pee outdoors or in corners or (especially) in outdoor corners. I throw verbal feces. I would make monkey love if I could monkey-up a good mating dance. Shows like "The Grind" were supposed to teach me that.
When the primate is disabled, I regress to the brain state of the reptile. The medulla oblogata and the brain stem are the only things left. I snap when I feel threatened and may stare into my refrigerator waiting for those extra large eggs to hatch in order to eat my young (mmm...tastes a bit like me). Sex and survival become one, and I usually go extinct.
A few drinks later, I become a child. I laugh at farts and pout when people frown, and everything is new. I hit. I find it only slightly odd when my friend, ostensibly a straight male, wears nothing but a T-shirt and Spandex shorts in public. Sometimes I just want to go to my room and play both sides of a football game with my collection of rubber frogs and lizards.
In kicks the Jager-bomb, and I become a toddler. I do not understand what is going on around me. I know how to walk, and I damn sure don't need anybody's help. I know touching the pee-pee is not appropriate, but does touching the stove hurt?
When my brain is disabled beyond the time of my birth I enter the primate stage of evolution. In technical terms, toxins render useless vast areas of my cerebral cortex. In practical terms, I eat food with my hands. If I have been hanging out with sophisticated people that day, I may use a stick to dig treats out of a hole. These treats may be ketchup and mustard, but are often just foul-smelling underpants lint. Using a toilet becomes unnecessary and disagreeable. Indeed, it becomes a pleasure to pee outdoors or in corners or (especially) in outdoor corners. I throw verbal feces. I would make monkey love if I could monkey-up a good mating dance. Shows like "The Grind" were supposed to teach me that.
When the primate is disabled, I regress to the brain state of the reptile. The medulla oblogata and the brain stem are the only things left. I snap when I feel threatened and may stare into my refrigerator waiting for those extra large eggs to hatch in order to eat my young (mmm...tastes a bit like me). Sex and survival become one, and I usually go extinct.
posted by JMH | 1:23 AM
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