Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Out for a walk

I know that liquid water is essential for the development of life, but still I did not expect a tiny bespectacled man to climb out of the drain in my kitchen sink.

I was staring guiltily at a YouTube video in which a boy-shorted blonde no doubt a year or three under the legal age of consent was shaking her physically well-formed yet emotionally underdeveloped ass when I heard a metallic clink from the sink. I paused the video, and Nelly fell silent (for once).

Now I usually stack my dirty dishes to avoid settling since a loud crash from the kitchen has more than once terrified me out of a nightmare, so I waited. I was just about to resume her sweet sixteenth when I heard a sound like silverware being dragged.

I popped out of my chair and after a moment of indecision, grabbed a can of diced tomatoes in case I needed to bludgeon a sewer rat. I approached the sink, tomatoes held high. Something rustled from beneath the cookie sheet that I had foolishly placed atop the festering pile.

With my right arm cocked and ready to throw tomatoes, I yanked the cookie sheet back. It fell crashing to the floor. My right arm froze halfway through the throwing motion, and I felt a twinge in my shoulder. Between the salad bowl and the Teflon pan, no bigger than my index finger, a filthy little naked man stared at me with mouth wide open. We gasped. In his little right hand was a leash made of hair, and on the end of that leash a centipede. The centipede reared up on fifty legs, and before I could throw up, they both disappeared down the drain. The only things remaining were one tiny string and one tiny pile of poop.

A moment later, sitting at the kitchen table with a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in my left hand (diced tomatoes still in the right), I realized that the man had been wearing glasses. Glasses? This spoke of an advanced culture with doctors, and with doctors come lawyers, and with lawyers come criminals. Even Jonathan Swift could not have imagined such a society in the sewer system of Chicago.


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