Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Monday, August 21, 2006

Love Songs

The other day my middle-aged neighbor said that instead of short stories I should write "pages and pages of love songs," perhaps because I was ogling her cellulite. This is not my normal behavior, but we were at a frozen margarita party, and the foul tequila does funny things to me. As revenge, I do a funny thing to the tequila. The colon absorbs alcohol much quicker than the stomach and has neither taste buds nor gag reflex (in the conventional sense). It's the shot glass that's the problem. Why don't they make them with strings?. And thinner, definitely thinner, and not glass...

Hey! I came here to write about love songs, and look at me, rambling on about salt and lime suppositories.

I've never written a love song, though if I do, you'll be the first to see it -- right after my mother and my priest. What are the elements of a great love song written for a wonderful lady? There must be longing or anguish, a feeling that she is wanted more than anything: more than money, more than power, more than delicious gin. More than that hairy-armed girl at work with a butt like a shelf and a pickup truck with a mattress in the bed.

I have often enjoyed the simple man/intellectual woman love song. He submits to her intelligence, and she, presumably, should submit to his animal sexual desire. She can manipulate him, but he can dominate her with in and out thrusts, thawing the intellectual ice in which she has been imprisoned. Thawing, hell. He turns that ice into water and evaporates that shit with good, simple friction.

There is also the poor man/rich woman love song. The man submits, despite the woman's emasculating capital. Terrible, beautiful, she evaluates his ideas and dreams. Will they profit? Likely not. He is impotent, though in this case, impotence has never had such a raging hard-on.

While visiting Spain, I was privy to the flamenco. Though it appeared to me at the time to be a hodge-podge of shrieking and whining, now I understand it to be an expression of anguish, like bleeding, stabbed with love's knife. A good love song should be full of pain, like the time I took a shot of tequila, and the wide part of the glass...


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