Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Monday, October 10, 2011

Sprout's Sexual Cafe: Steaks and Potatoes and Corn

A lot of bloggers like to write about what they cook. I do too. I'm like them. I conform. No reason to look twice at me. I'm not doing anything illegal or immoral or some other i-word. Interesting, maybe.

The reason for the title is one day I was olive oiling up some chicken breasts to be cooked, and I like to get into that shit, and to my friends something about oil and breasts evoked sex. Who knew? So they made a joke about how there should be this restaurant called Sprout's Sexual Cafe. So, in turn, this will be a new feature where I share my recipes and techniques to bring gastronomic delight and maybe other sorts of delights. Enjoy. Or don't.


1) Buy the steaks, grass-fed, for that is the right thing to do. Cows do not naturally eat corn.

2) Pick three spices at random, use only slightly compared to your use of salt and pepper. This will give you the illusion of being a gourmet. Massage the spices into the steaks as you would your lover's foot, if you were weird enough to use the word "lover" and/or eat a human foot.

3) Delegate the responsibility for grilling the steaks to the man with the most facial hair in the room. He will do a good job. If he does not, forcibly shave him. On the face, you pervert.


1) Fetch the red potatoes from whatever obscure cabinet I've hid them in. Peel them, because they've no doubt grown buds from their eyes through my neglect. Quarter them, olive oil them, and place on parchment paper on a cookie sheet or rimmed baking pan. Salt and pepper and rosemary liberally.

2) Set the oven to 450. It seems hot, I know, and that's because it is hot. It's so hot I almost can't stand it.

3) Cook for 40 minutes or so, turning once or twice or thrice, depending on how compulsive you are. If you are very compulsive, seek therapy. After done, tent with aluminum foil to keep them warm. Save the aluminum foil to use as a hat.

4) The potatoes should be a little bit blistered. Blisters are delicious, but not so delicious that you should omit using an oven glove to remove those potatoes. Place them in a serving bowl and butter them until glistening.


1) Open a can of corn, drain, and put it in the microwave. Set the timer for two minutes. Allow your fingers to trace edges of the start button. Smile. Take the can of corn out of the microwave and empty it into a microwaveable dish. Warm that up. By that time your bearded friend should be serving the steaks. Ha! You've collaborated on a wonderful meal.




Blogger sybil law said...

I would definitely dine at Sprout's Sexual Cafe. What's for dessert? Ice cream - 2 scoops, candy nipples on top? Will there be a band playing at the Cafe? Sexual Chocolate?

Seriously - the potatoes sound delicious!
I used your corn recipe tonight - no lie. :)

5:44 PM  
Blogger jorg wobblington lopez said...

Wouldn't heating the can cause your microwave to explode? Is that part of the preparation? Fireworks? I get it.

I massage my cows while their still eating grass.

7:18 PM  
Blogger Lora said...

the best canned corn is del monte summer crisp. I think that's what it's called and who it's made by. it's a smaller can than most, but twice as good as any.

also, this post puts to shame the fact I was so happy with my genius of mixing campbell's tomato soup made with milk with (prepared) instant mashed potatoes. I call it Mato Tato soup.

7:37 AM  
Blogger JMH said...

sybil - yeah, the corn recipe is delicious. It tastes just like corn.

Let's have a band, maybe the Divinyls. Or would that be gross now?

jorg - thanks for clarifying. No, I'm not encouraging electrical fires. I have since made that more clear in the post because I don't need to get sued. Have you tried microwaving an egg in its shell? It's delicious. Just stand clear of the microwave door and be prepared for an hour of cleanup.

Lora - Mato Tato soup (great name by the way, unless you pronounce it British because then it sounds Asian) is on the menu for this week. I intend to be pleased or at least comforted.

10:20 PM  
Anonymous Kerri Anne said...

I would like you to rewrite every recipe on every cooking site on All Of The Internet (AOTI).

Which is a perfectly reasonable request, I think.

6:05 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

Reasonable? Yes. I'll do that. I better get to work. I'll talk to you again in twenty years.

10:22 PM  

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