Name:
Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Overheard Under the Overpass

Having nothing better to do Valentine's night, I decided to spend it under the overpass with a bunch of stock-traders turned alcoholics turned indigent. There was nowhere to plug in the space heater I brought, so the flowers died and the chocolates froze, but the brandy was a hit. After I set up my sleeping bag, popped a bunch of diet pills (no way was I going to fall asleep), and announced that I would pepper spray anyone who came within arm's length of me, I listened. I had no choice but to listen, because after the pepper spray announcement, everyone moved to the other side, cardboard boxes and all. What I overheard:

"That guy [me]. Wuh-zee doin'? Wuh-zee doin'? Writin' or somethin'. Some kinda big shot. You gotta knife? This jerky's frozen."

"That's not jerky, Bob."

***

(Traffic noise)

"Smell that? That smells like eggs. You still got those ketchup packets? Quick, quick, before the eggs go away."

***

"You wanna know wat I tink? I tink dat Bush's suggestin' dat dare's no udder e'splanation fer eye-ranian-made weapons'n eye-raq udder dan oh-ficial eye-ranian sponsorshit uh smugglin' dem dare. Course, mos'weapons whoever k'buy...could buy tru -- 'termediaries -- in the Mill'East. Anyone. Fuckin' anyone. Anyone got a cigarette?"

"Hey, I got a cigarette."

"Not goin' tuh pepper spray me?"

"No. I don't pepper spray anyone without a recognizable accent."

"Gareth Porter's da'name."

***

"Yeah, you sit there and make fun of the homeless, for your blog. Your fancy blog. Oh, you're such a good writer. Picking on the most vulnerable members of society, you shit. You'd be dead in about forty-eight hours here without the emergency generator you brought for the space heater."

(Overheard in my own head.)

(There are three of us?)

***

"This guy passed me the other day, real J. Crew, doesn't even make eye contact, and says 'You stink.' My clothes were clean, I showered at the Y, but it don't matter to a guy like that. Then he slips on some ice and falls flat on his back. I run over and rub my ass all over his face."

***

"I'm bored. Anyone want to get baked and drink some brandy?"

(CHEERS)

3 Comments:

Blogger Carmi said...

I'm definitely hanging out under the wrong underpasses. The folks near my bridge are downright ornery, and nowhere near as entertaining as yours.

11:28 PM  
Blogger amadea's world said...

Title of story - you are what you eat. So I am a ham sandwich when I am eating one and a chicken when I eat a chicken.
Sorry for posting here.
Have you got email?
amadeas_world@gmx.at
If you like :-)
We could start with the naughty German words ;-)

2:18 AM  
Blogger amadea's world said...

Hahaha - JMH - I love the idea spending Valentine Day with the homeless.
I know - You would spray ze peppa spray on me if i got zere - wiz my ostrian ekzent.

2:22 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home