Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Thursday, September 06, 2007


After placing my latest personal ad in the Lake Forest Lake Forester, I got to thinking how long a long walk on the beach should be. My first instinct was to say that both walkers should walk until they both collapse on top of each other. But I think the right answer is until the weaker party collapses, setting up a helpless/helpful dynamic with a body of water right there.

The problem is that there are too many psychotic killers out there. No Lake Forest curiosity seeker would ever agree to my Stroll to Exhaustion second date or even the Stroll to Mutual Exhaustion, which can end up football fields apart, so I have learned to fake exhaustion by inducing real symptoms.

I guess even one psychotic killer is too many, but if there were only one, we'd know by the beeping ankle bracelet which room of your house he's in. Unless he never got caught -- he can't watch the CSI series without feeling revolted by the oversimplifying montage. We would end up calling his murders Knife Disease or BTK syndrome. It would be presumed to result from overconsumption of Genetically Modified Organisms and/or sex before marriage.

I am not a psychotic killer, although I would be a competitive one. I wonder if there are psychotic killer standings, or even a season. Just kidding. I don't even take medication. That is, I take no medication, not that I don't take my medication. There is no "my medication" except for the beautiful pill of life. That pill's side effects are loud distortions that screw with my inner ear, and so I strip down to my aluminum foil hat and eat anything with a crunch. Am I the only one who puts iron filings in my salsa?


Blogger Diesel said...

You're a very entertaining brand of insane.

11:26 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Yes, but don't feel badly about it. You're the stuff textbooks are made of.

2:22 PM  
Blogger Jacqueline (Jackie) Wilson said...

Is this really DEXTER?!?

12:55 PM  

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