Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Thursday, July 06, 2006

On Ordering Chinese

I haven't ordered Chinese food in forever. I think I might. What will I have? Let's look at one of the two menus. We can either look at China Dragon or Lee's Chop Suey. On some terrible disappointing night I wrote "DO NOT EAT" in Sharpie on the China Dragon menu. It shall be Lee's then.

First I will look at the pictures on the back of the menu because I am an artist. I can appreciate the postmodern (po-mo) aesthetic of the sweet and sour chicken. The orange slime drips with irony, the chicken, deconstructed. It makes me feel not-at-all sweet when I should be sour.

Since I also own a graphing calculator, I know that the tastiness of the food is inversely proportional to its visual appeal. The House Special Lo Mein looks like piled maggots and mealworms with scallions. The Beef Chow Fun looks like slices of rat, also with scallions. The Vegetable Delight looks like Vegetable Delight. The Singapore Style Noodles look delicious.

Now I turn the menu over to look at the words. I will have to use my imagination for this task. The Ginger Beef warns: "Shredded beef marinated in ginger sauce. You can't stop eating it!" Yikes! Will I wind up in the tub clutching an unnatural pot-belly like a malnourished African boy? Later, will I drive through the plate-glass window of Lee's establishment, covered in my own vomit, needing an ultimately terminal fix? I am tempted. The Ma Po Bean Curd haltingly boasts, "A hot dish made w. fresh bean curd, sauteed with minced pork for better taste." What? Should I substitute the first clause with "A hot dish made w. pig shit" or "A hot dish made w. bleach and bok choy?" Relativism is fine for morals, but not for food.

I must order at least two entrees to overcome the guilt from forcing some poor bastard to bring food to my lazy white ass three (city) blocks away. I can't be bothered with pick-up, though, because I am either a) too drunk or b) too drunk to remember what "a" was.

So, it seems to be a clear victory for House Special Lo Mein and Ginger Beef. Wish me luck.


Blogger amadea's world said...

We cannot get decent Chinese food here in Austria, not where I live.
When I lived near London, there was a Chinese takeaway just round the corner. I loved calling and ordering something to eat.
And I sometimes just picked the food according to my favourite numbers, or numbers that came across my mind.
So sometimes the menu was quite a surprise and interesting.
Once I had only ordered three different soups :-.
My favourite Chinese dish has always been crispy duck, though.

5:32 AM  

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