Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Alternating high and low

I want a warmer inner narrative. The one I have now is self-protective, and it makes it hard to make friends. I love having friends, friends who chat. I am not one to chat, but I do enjoy the sound, especially of pretty and vicious women, their double-speak and fingernails clicking and wineglasses clinking on the counter. Something of a domestic man, I feel most comfortable in the kitchen, where I lack the necessary parts to pose a threat.

I'm tired of being proud. There's no reason to carry more ego than necessary to function on a day-to-day basis and get paid, son. Sometimes I try to fix that. Tearing myself apart is a bad solution, although the brutality can be exquisite and gleeful, like eating a whole roast chicken. I have a very sharp knife inside, so sharp it almost doesn't hurt to cut. An ego carved into a clever, mocking shape, though humbled, makes me feel inferior, cold and contemptuous. It's hard to take jokes in that state. It's like being fourteen again without the crusty sheets, the crusty pillowcase, the crusty socks, and the crusty chicken Kiev. What a way to get salmonella.

Inflating others (people, not dolls) to be bigger and better doesn't work because then they disappoint. That is essentially cruel. I've never been good at concealing disappointment. Ask my wet nurse.

What I try to do is practice ritual humility before the universal human themes: birth, death, eating, pooping, love/hate, and the unknown. Yes, it's tough to be humble before your own poop, but maybe that's the ultimate challenge.


Blogger sybil law said...

Pride can be a terrible thing, if there's too much of it, that's a fact.
Humility is generally where I try to be, but it's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. (Isn't that a freaking song?! OMG. Who sang that song? Why do I know it?)
I'm really impressed you still have a wet nurse. How much do they go for these days?

11:02 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

Hundred an hour, excluding the cost of the meal.

11:16 PM  
Blogger jorg wobblington lopez said...

You are good at describing your emotions; taking something abstract, and turning them into something tangible. Much like our bodies turn food into thoughts, and eventually poo(p), which would be the reverse of what you do.

6:00 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

I always like hear about what I'm good at, even if it is taking poo(p) and turning it into thoughts and eventually food?

It must be gross-out day here. I guess I started it.

11:48 PM  
Blogger jorg wobblington lopez said...

What I meant was the body take something tangible and turn it into something abstract. We all take poo(p) and turn it into something worthwhile (life).

2:51 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

I figured that's what you meant, but I can't resist rearranging phrases.

7:37 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

And I never viewed myself as that centered on emotion, but I really am.

11:13 PM  

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