Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


In the elementary schoolyard, sniffing the new girl was an effective way to get a few laughs, force someone else to introduce me (I was shy), and appear crazy enough to deter Timmy the Bully. Now, twenty years later, I wish I could go to therapy to control my hair-sniffing compulsion, but it is my choice to want to sniff hair, and it underscores my virtue when I deny myself. The hilarity is over. Life is to be endured.

Oh, but it's awful on a crowded bus, standing at nose-level with a beautiful head of chestnut hair glimmering in the sunset and just needing to bury my face in it like a cool sweet pillow and just snort the strands into my sinuses and sneeze and sneeze and sneeze on the neck below, the warm neck below, so warm and like a goose...

Instead, as the stops go by, I shake and sweat like I'm holding back an insistent bowel movement. I count backwards from one thousand by sevens. I breathe. I suffer. I vote Republican. If I shan't have pleasure, no one shall.


Blogger sybil law said...

Wow. Hair sniffer, huh?

7:31 AM  
Blogger Lora said...

there are a lot of you people out there. I have two friends that give the back of my neck (which is hairless) a huge sniff when they give me a hug. It used to creep me out until I saw them do it to everyone, especially long haired girls.

8:26 AM  
Blogger peau said...

you vote Republican?

nothing is worth that...

9:29 AM  
Blogger JMH said...

This is where I planned to differentiate the personal "I" from the character "I," but you guys seem pretty much okay with the hair sniffing, so maybe I'll become a hair sniffer.

Maybe, sybil, I already am a hair sniffer and I just won't admit it to myself.

Lora, that still strikes me as weird. Just because they do it to everyone doesn't normalize it. But hell, I guess it's their thing, and it's not really hurting anyone.

Hi peau. No, I don't and never will, but I figured it pairs nicely with repressed sexuality.

11:30 AM  
Blogger jorg wobblington lopez said...

There is nothing quite like a good smelling. It's why I'm so jealous of dogs.

11:49 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

Because they smell so well or because they can do it with impunity?

8:19 PM  
Blogger jorg wobblington lopez said...

Yeah, if I sniff anyones crotch I get slapped.

5:00 PM  
Blogger Mia Watts said...


I'm so coming back here. Even your comments are amusing.

--> this is me being amused.

(ps. being a hair-sniffee, not so amusing. kinda creepy actually)

1:25 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

Thank you. I try to amuse. People wouldn't come back if they weren't amused, and I'd die alone, unless in a plane crash. In a plummeting airplane, I would definitely hold hands with the strange woman next to me, even if she had been sneezing into that hand. But at that last instant, would I sniff her hair?

8:07 PM  

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