Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Dialogue between writer and imaginary agent

“I don’t think I’m very good at writing.”

“What are you talking about? You’re great at writing. You just need to do it more.”

"I need to do it more for sure. And by 'do it,' I mean have sex, with whoever you got, like some kind of crazy girl who thinks she's a poet, and she probably is a poet, but I'll give you five dollars..."

"You need to write more."

“But no one ever published anything I wrote, except for that poem, which you said was saccharine, and they didn't pay me anything, and they misspelled my name...”

"Listen to me and listen to me closely. This is the time in your life when you can publish. Hormones impaired all the work you did in high school. You rushed all the work in college because you wanted to drink. And since you've been working, you're wasting energy on paying bills. You’ve shown the ability, now you just need to put in the time. I have faith in you. I put my faith into you. You.”

“Me...But what about all the others that have put in the time since they were children. They’re all better than me. More natural.”

“These days it's just about market share. No one is better or worse. They’re just different.”

“You’re saying that Scott Fitzgerald wasn’t a better writer than me.”

“Okay. But Scott did a lot of literary slumming in his time. You have talent. You have a way of putting things that’s very distinct and pleasing. Funny too.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“But I don’t have the drive to become a writer. I can only write for an hour a day. That’s not going to pay the bills.”

“You just need incentive. You can get laid for writing even a lousy book. Laid, baby.”

“Since when have I gotten laid for writing?”

“Since when have you written a lousy book?”

“Good point. So you're saying that the drive should come from being horny?

"Of course. Where do you think all writing comes from?"

"Women in short leather jackets?"


“Maybe I should give up masturbating.”

“That’s your business.”

“Well, if your hypothesis is correct, if I give up masturbating for a week, I should double my output in writing."

“Assuming not masturbating makes you more horny.”

“Jesus, isn’t that a given?”

“Some people get more horny from masturbating. The repetition. You know, like when the ladies are having a lot of sex...”

“Please. We're not talking about the ladies. People who get more horny from masturbating don't have orgasms.”

“Of course they have orgasms. There’s no point to masturbation without the orgasm.”

“Ha! Haven’t you ever heard of tantric masturbation? Because of the breathing, the whole thing feels like an orgasm, yet nothing comes out.”

“No, I haven't heard.”

“Me neither.”

“That’s funny.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”




Anonymous Anonymous said...

To give up masturbation would cause maddening creativity. I would even go so far as to say that giving up masturbation would enhance your senses. Like when one gives up smoking. Or drinking. Or sobriety.

If you wrote even the lousiest of books, though I think you would have to try to be a bad writer, you would get some sex up in you. Or maybe you would put some sex up in someone else. As long as everyone involved is willing.

When I was in high school, a friend and I asked the sheriff if he had ever been raped. He replied with "you can't rape the willing". I'll never forget that. Never. Ever.

4:16 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

I'm going to say "Put some sex up" in my next pop song.

2:41 AM  

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