The Good Word of Sprout

Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Monday, January 25, 2010

I should have something better to think about

In order to harvest man-stank, cut a hole in the upper third of a standard sponge and wear it over the base of the penis, attaching the lower third to the perineum by means of gauze tape or piercing or really whatever the hell is comfortable you sick fuck. When the sponge becomes saturated, squeeze it into a container. Keep refrigerated to prevent "blooming." When diluted with a vodka/vanilla extract solution (proportions to taste, not literally), it makes a pheromone-laced cologne.

There will be, of course, some difficulties in mass-marketing.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Three Links

January, you foul month. And people name their daughters that. Why would anyone in the Northern Hemisphere outside of the tropical and sub-tropical regions name their daughter January?

Hi, my name's January. I'm dark and frigid and will fill you with constant guilt for not living up to your resolutions.

That's why I make my resolutions at the Spring equinox and feel bad around women named April.

These are interesting bits, in no particular order (ha! -- of course there's a particular order):

1) Jan 11 2010

2) The Wilderness Year's - Robert and the Mittens

3) Human hibernation: going back to bed

Actually, for all my seasonal complaining, I feel pretty okay. I credit Satan and his residual heat.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Same Animal

We are all the same animal, though some of us are furrier, and some are self-conscious about that, lovely little he and she-apes fixated on the absurdity of well-groomed genitals, as if the wild tangle diminishes the wild tango. Our uniqueness lies in how we embrace and deny that animal nature, those strong instinctive impulses, that psychological state before and beyond words.

Sometimes I embrace my inner animal by licking people and peeing on things. I belong with dogs. After a period of morning readjustment in which I find everything funny, barking laughter, I claim humanity again and deny the previous night's events as the anomalous work of the beast. Still panting, I lie. If not for abundant resources, I would abandon the veneer of manners and speech and rely on my teeth for more than play-bites.

Life's inner flame joins beast and man. When it shines unobstructed, it is beautiful and terrifying, natural and naked, the internal God.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Problem/Solution/Com- plication

Problem: There is no daylight.

Solution: Increase the wattage of household light bulbs.

Complication: They're much hotter when you shove them up your ass.

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Saturday, January 02, 2010

Channeling Baby

I work for Mommy. I do what she says in exchange for a warm smile. She smells like lavender and roses and so does my fuzzy orange blanket. I am hungry but incapable of making a meal for myself with my strange tiny hands, so I scream. What would you do, motherfucker?

The world is great and blue and loud. I am warm.