If you could lick the screen and taste the words...

gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy bleach gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy gravy

Aaaauuuugggghhhh!!! Why???

Before Going Out

"I need my keys, my wallet, and my cellular telephone," he says.

Everyone waits.

"I have my keys," he says.

Everyone waits.

"I have my wallet," he says.

Everyone waits.

"I have my cellular telephone!" he says.

"CELLULAR TELEPHONE!" everyone says.

Problem/Solution/Com-plication

Problem: Due to mild temperatures, not enough snowball fights over the winter.

Solution: Ice cubes + blender + two giant boxes filled with imitation snowballs, one placed outside the local high school main exit, one placed across the street from it, in front of me.

Com-plication: Realizing on a sixty-degree day that I don't understand chemistry (very hard snowballs) or physics (coming very fast). Mercifully, I do understand biology, which is why the snowballs in my box were filled with raw chicken parts, and I wore latex gloves.

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A Sunday Conversation

I was at a swanky Cuban restaurant yesterday. The rum was strong and the music sensual. I drank a mojito and sat down next to a woman at the bar who was also drinking a mojito. We compared mojitos. Hers was lower, so we got to talking.

She was a Republican Evangelical with six fingers (one is a nub), a shopololic, bad teethed and psychologically numb, a toenail-fungus-having turd-eating anorexic (when there are turds) who's had cosmetic surgery, and a gun enthusiast who made it plainly clear that she has no interest in me.

"Are we soulmates?" I asked her.

"How many mojitos have you had?" she asked.

"Just one," I said.

Apparently I had had a stroke earlier in the day.

I'm OK, though, and that's what's important.