Thought (from CBS 2's Late Late Night Programming)

I couldn't handle the day-to-day responsibilities of a serial killer. I like to get up when I want to get up. I don't want to have to get up at 4:27 to sniff some socks or something.

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Unlocked

It's a peculiar old lock on this chest, these ribs and skin, these two odd hairy dials, but it must be unlocked to let the emotions out. They exert pressure. If kept inside, they'd rot and stink and turn to tar.

The key to the chest is empathy, which when it resonates at a certain frequency it turns the tumblers and out spills a hot torrent of feelings. These feelings can be strong like booze or certain teas and equally intoxicating and calming as if we were all the same.
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Winter Fever

My coat has buttons. I can button my coat. It's important to button my coat because otherwise the wind will pass unabated through my shirt to my undershirt and go through my undershirt and grab my nip-nip-nipples. The wind pulls them. Nip-nipples. Wind. Nipples.

"Stop saying that," you might say.

Okay. Nnn...

"Is the wind pulling on your nipples a problem?" you might ask.

Well, no, not compared to the systemic oppression of the poor worldwide by agents of capitalism, the natural result of which is to concentrate wealth in the hands of fewer and fewer people, the extent of which is all hidden under a blanket, the blanket on my bed. Under that blanket lie my papers. Papers that will topple the global regime! It's all part of my quest to date a Haitian woman.

"You know," you might say, "spare me the sermon. You, a white American man, are the beneficiary of the capitalist system. If you truly feel that it's oppressive, any wealth you have, send it to Haiti. That should get you a date. Unless you're weird in French too."

I can button my coat. Nip-nipples. Wind. Nipples.
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Problem/Solution/Com- plication

Problem: Hard time maintaining eye contact with ladies

Solution: Thinking of eyes as face-nipples

Complication: Believing that any nipple can see you, especially your own, which is why you must cover them with black electrical tape in the morning, lest they stare at your horrid physical flaws all day. Unless, of course, you're one of those people who wears shirts.
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