Thought (from CBS 2's Late Late Night Programming)

I couldn't handle the day-to-day responsibilities of a serial killer. I like to get up when I want to get up. I don't want to have to get up at 4:27 to sniff some socks or something.

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Problem/Solution/Com- plication

Problem: Understanding the social outcast.

Solution: Empathy.

Complication: Ridicule.
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Problem/Solution/Com- plication

Problem: The light is too bright.

Solution: Close my eyes.

Complication: My friends like to slap me in the nuts (they're such good people when I'm awake).

Solution: Wear a protective cup.

Complication: I can't show off my moose knuckle.
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Let the drinker beware

Certain bars in my neighborhood have blacked-out windows. A few of these are not actually bars, but rather just a man standing on the other side of the door who stabs you and then drags your body in back with the other bodies.

"Why do people keep coming into this bar?" he asks his friend the pigeon.

The pigeon pecks at the floor.

"I guess I wouldn't have a job otherwise," he says.
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Kitchen Persuasion

The side of my toaster reads, in black block lettering, "Bread stuck? Try a fork." So far it hasn't convinced me.

My roll of paper towels, which I initially thought had a pattern of flowers or herbs, in fact has little pink hearts inscribed, "Try me instead of toilet paper." So far it hasn't convinced me. Oh, and the hearts are upside down.

On the miniature box fan in my window, the knob on top is not labeled "Fan Speed," but rather, "Degrees of Sexual Pleasure." That convinced me once.
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