Basic Journalism

Who?

People

What?

Their faces

When?

When they eat a Butterfinger or pre-party with me.

Where?

They take me to a different place. A happy place where we are all one of many and one of the same. Sort of like religion, except, well, you know.

Why?

Why? Why are you asking that? This is not a place for journalists. We haven't kicked you out yet because you've been quiet and quite pleasant, but now with these questions? You got to leave.
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Basic Journalism

Who?

Perverts.

What?

Enjoy the TSA's invasive pat-down policy.

When?

When passing through security checkpoints.

Where?

In American international airports.

Why?

The tingle in the scrotum, mainly.
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Credits: The Brain Police for the joke, The Asshat Lounge for the phrasing.

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Who? What? Why? So What?

Who?

No one

What?

Wants to hear about your qualities. Tell us what's wrong with you.

Why?

We live in a culture that believes its ideal is attainable and even gives examples, like George Clooney and Jesus Christ.

So What?

So you think you're better than me? Do you? I have a desperate need to prove myself.
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Who? What? Why? So What?

Who?

The very hurt

What?

Erect barriers to get through life without exchanging warmth with others -- and may even use violence to protect those barriers.

Why?

Cold is an excellent treatment for pain.

So what?

Hugging fellow bus passengers will get you hit in the face.
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Who? What? Why? So What?

Who?

Hundreds of wicked, deformed people

What?

View me through one lens, the lens of judgment.

Why?

Paranoia is a kaleidoscope in reverse.

So what?

Oh, so I'd like a footlong meatball marinara on wheat with the pepper jack cheese, not the triangle white American.

Toasted?

Yeah...yeah.

***

Who? What? Why? So What?

Who?

The shrunken heads which I brought back from my Brazilian vacation

What?

Have been found soaking in the kitchen sink.

Why?

In retaliation for the "Amazon Herpes,"my girlfriend wants to frame me for murder and witchcraft. She may have beheaded (or found headless) several vagrants and piled their bodies outside my apartment door. She's passionate. I love that about her, but...

So What?

So does anyone know how to prevent mold from growing on reconstituted human heads as they dry out? Or at least how to get rid of the stink?
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Who? What? Why? So What?

Who?

The pizza delivery receptionist

What?

Changed her title to "owner's wife."

Why?

The owner disappeared.

So what?

Now the sausage tastes different.
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Who? What? Why?

Who?

Really smart people

What?

Eat brains in tacos.

Why?

Because the taco disguises the brain flavor.

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Who? What? Why?

Who?

Middle class liberals

What?

Believe in the essential goodness of humanity.

Why?

1)) Abundance of clean water 2) Barack Obama told them to.
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Who? What? Why?

Who?

Art (Arthur)

What?

Hates to go by his full name.

Why?

Arthur, on PBS and PBS KIDS Sprout, is an eight-year old anthropomorphic aardvark (an aardvark who displays human characteristics, such as eating people food and having sex without the intent to procreate). Art is not.
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Who? What? Why?

Who?

Residents of Tijuana.

What?

Offered me tequila, sex, and marijuana.

Why?

I wore a cardboard sign that read, "¿Hay tequila, sexo, o marijuana?"
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Who? What? Why?

Who?

Brazilians

What?

Dance a lot.

Why?

Why not?
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Basic Journalism

Who?

Blitzen

What?

Pooped mid-flight

When?

Last night

Where?

In Wheaton, IL, a mile or so above the hood of my aunt's car.

Why?

My cousin was using the bathroom. My aunt gave me a Bible for Christmas and advised me to repent.
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Basic Journalism

Who?

St. Nicholas

What?

Filled my boots with oranges, walnuts, and candy.

When?

Late last night or early this morning.

Where?

Outside the front door of my apartment.

Why?

Because I am a good boy of central European descent. I guess St. Nick hasn't seen my homemade porn. Or maybe he has, which would explain the hairs drawn on the walnuts...
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Basic Journalism

Who?

God

What?

Created the universe: the Sun, the Earth, and the life on Earth.

When?

Some 6000 years ago

Where?

Somewhere in the infinite darkness

Why?

To confuse the hell out of scientists.

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Basic Journalism

Who?

Shadowy, carnivorous predators

What?

Chase me without provocation

When?

On cold autumn nights

Where?

In the prism-landscape of my dreams

Why?

I sleep in a bunny costume.

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Basic Journalism

Who?

A sailor.

What?

Dreams of his ship, battered by the Atlantic, salt spray changing his face from white to red.

When?

Whenever the foghorn blows, wistful for land, wistful for women.

Where?

New England.

Why?

Nighttime incontinence.

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Basic Journalism (the anatomy of a joke)*

Who?

I.

What?

Make you laugh -- by offering a set-up in a linguistic frame around a situation, which forces your mind into a specific way of seeing the world. Then comes the punchline, which utilizes a different frame that makes you realize the way you had been understanding the meaning of the set-up was wrong.

When?

In the moment when your mind is trying to reconcile competing ways of seeing the world.

Where?

In the deep electrochemical recesses of your brain.

Why?

Because I want to get laid.

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*I stole most of this post's content from this post at Philosopher's Playground.

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Basic Journalism

Who?

Laborers.

What?

Labored.

When?

Now and since the beginning of history.

Where?

Where there were things to be done.

Why?

To produce tangible results, a basic and timeless satisfaction.

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Basic Journalism

Who?

The artist.

What?

Stands in the pouring rain.

When?

He feels unclean.

Where?

In his body and mind.

Why?

The body he's been painting occupies the tub, on ice.

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